First, the bad news: You just tore your anterior cruciate ligament in a nasty stairwell spill. Not sure of the details, but I understand that alcohol was involved. Now the good news: For the next two weeks, you’re under strict doctor’s orders not to drag your raggedy arse off the sofa. Which is fine, as that’s where your raggedy arse prefers to be.

But there’s a problem: There are hot poker games going on all over town and you’re missing out. Not to worry, there are hot poker games going on all over cyberspace, too, and if you’ll just prop your laptop on your belly and keep this series of articles within handy reach, I’ll equip you with the weapons to dominate and crush the online game.